Hope.

I still have hope. It springs eternal. Throughout all the rough and seemingless impossible times in my life, I've always clung to it. And probably not just "hope" by itself. I have a tremendous amount of faith in God and in His word. While the topic of hope and faith and belief can get pretty serious and intense, I'm using it in terms of the small things in my life. Like... keeping a stronghold on my sanity... see, "small", right?

From a young age in my life, I can remember wondering and daydreaming about becoming and adult and being responsible for my own life. I'd think to myself how cool it would be to "be an adult" even though, looking back, I had NO CLUE what "being an adult" was. Even as I graduated high school and played "being an adult" with my first serious relationship, I know now that I was so young and sooooooooo naive!

I knew, from that young age, that I wanted to be married and stay at home with my kids - just like my mom. I even wrote my predictions for this "fated" relationship in a secret spot... I had recorded when our first kiss was in 1995 and he was "going to" propose in 1997... we were going to get married in 1998 and have our first baby in 2000. Only 1 of the 3 predictions came true.

I had our daughter in July of 2000, but there was no proposal and no wedding.

I'm sure I could, and probably will, write more about that situation later, but it definitely demonstrates my capacity of hope.

As the years have passed and I'm slowly beginning to settle in to my "adult skin", I'm trying to figure out so many things. One of them is how to be content and accepting of the roles I longed for: Wife and Mother. Now, as a wife to a very loving, wonderful and hard-working man and the mother of 3 beautiful daughters. I want to fill these roles while being the best version of myself possible.

Another aspect of life I'm not giving hope on is this blasted body of mine. Totally of my making and another sign of my struggles... I've been very overweight for years and years now. I eat when I'm bored, happy, depressed, loved, rejected... basically I want to eat all the time. Right now I think some of it has to do with not being completely "at ease" in my somewhat newer roles of mother and wife, but I'm not blaming it on that. I am ultimately in control of my body and what I put in... I'm not even going to blame it on our 3 daughters. It's definitely my fault!

My body and weight take up the majority of my thoughts every single day... and it has for years and years now. I don't remember EVER being comfortable with the way I look. Like, EEHHHVER! More and more I'm getting angry at myself for wasting so much of my life being consumed by it! I once heard Oprah being regretful for spending her 40's being ashamed and fat and depressed about it. Well, I don't want to spend my 30's that way! I can be so much more and do so much more! I want to be a good example for my girls, most of all!

Ok, so I'm getting a little more involved that I had meant to for this blog. Hope... I still haven't lost it. I still hope and pray to become the best version of myself that God had planned.... ugh, that sounds so far from where I am. Anyway, I still have HOPE! I have hopes of being a HEALTHY and beautiful me... I have hopes of being an AWESOME and caring Mommy... I have hopes that I will become the WIFE that my husband DESERVES!

The day I lose hope.... someone is going to need to lock me up and throw away the key!

Psalms 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.