Thursday, January 29, 2009


So everynight, I watch the girls go up the stairs to bed, followed by hubby and the baby. They are moments I come to appreciate and anticipate! Once they're all snug in their beds, that is what I consider to be my "alone time". It's basically the only part of the day where I have complete and utter silence... time to think... time to veg, time to do whatever I want without being interupted. I can even go to the bathroom without hearing the little knock at the door... usually, anyway.

On most nights, I stay up to watch the shows that *I* want to watch. Grey's, Private Practice, Lipstick Jungle, episodes of Dr. Phil I'm not caught up on... ya know, the stuff that isn't quite suitable for the girlies. I also love to crochet so I do that, too. On average I've been staying up until 11:30 pm. Tuesday night I stayed up until 12:44 AM, finishing a hat I told Brooklyn I'd make for her. It turned out super cute, btw! She's worn it to school for the past two days so I'm guessing she likes it, too. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it...

So anyway, yesterday I was dragging butt all day long, feeling depressed and tired and ravenous - yes, my cravings were off the chart yesterday, too. I didn't want to put any thought into ANYTHING, I didn't want to take care of ANY business, which there is ALWAYS business to take care of... I played with the idea of having my loving hubby watch the kids while I took a nap, but then decided that would only keep up later again. So, I went to bed at 9 and got a GOOD 9 hours of sleep.

The difference in the way I feel today versus yesterday is monumental! And I'm not being dramatic! I want to interact with the kids on a different level, my eating and cravings are under control, and I've been taking care of business!

Sleep is key. Alone time is key. However, I should not be sabatoging one to get the other. That is key. I think I'm going to have to let Dh in on some of these "keys" so that he can help me with the alone time. =o)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Gaw... as in, short for GAWSH. A very frustrated and irriated
GAWSH, mingled in with a little GRRRR.
I recently told DH (dear husband) that I wish I could have been
born with a little more June Cleaver in me
and a little less C.S. (my dad's initials)!

For example...
My sister has referred to my vehicles on one
or occasions as resembling the Foster Farms Chickens...

Another example... table tops, counters, couches...
I can't seems to keep them cleared off for long.
I am a 32 year old WOMAN
who has been living
like a teenager since... well, since she/I was

This could have a little more to do with the "adult"
thing that I'm having trouble accepting and growing
into... It could be something that I *could* blame
on children or a DH that does the bare minimum to
avoid any and all "ranting and raving."

OR, I could just get off my butt, stop pittering around
on the computer and do some housework.

GAW... I don't wanna!!!

But, I'm going to work on this! I hate that I'm embarrassed
for people to come in my NEWLY built house...
I always love the feeling I get after walking into a
newly cleaned and decluttered room...

So anyway... GAW... this is one of the many areas I'm
going to be working on. I did get my truck
cleared out on Sunday morning... I was soooooo tired
of watching the kids climb over their papers
and jackets
and toys!!!

So, that was my start... today I think I might
tackle the dining room table so we can eat
as a family tonight!

What a novel Idea!

So that's what I'm going to go work on ...

but GAW, I dont' wanna!

14:1 Every wise woman buildeth her house:

but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

Monday, January 26, 2009


I still have hope. It springs eternal. Throughout all the rough and seemingless impossible times in my life, I've always clung to it. And probably not just "hope" by itself. I have a tremendous amount of faith in God and in His word. While the topic of hope and faith and belief can get pretty serious and intense, I'm using it in terms of the small things in my life. Like... keeping a stronghold on my sanity... see, "small", right?

From a young age in my life, I can remember wondering and daydreaming about becoming and adult and being responsible for my own life. I'd think to myself how cool it would be to "be an adult" even though, looking back, I had NO CLUE what "being an adult" was. Even as I graduated high school and played "being an adult" with my first serious relationship, I know now that I was so young and sooooooooo naive!

I knew, from that young age, that I wanted to be married and stay at home with my kids - just like my mom. I even wrote my predictions for this "fated" relationship in a secret spot... I had recorded when our first kiss was in 1995 and he was "going to" propose in 1997... we were going to get married in 1998 and have our first baby in 2000. Only 1 of the 3 predictions came true.

I had our daughter in July of 2000, but there was no proposal and no wedding.

I'm sure I could, and probably will, write more about that situation later, but it definitely demonstrates my capacity of hope.

As the years have passed and I'm slowly beginning to settle in to my "adult skin", I'm trying to figure out so many things. One of them is how to be content and accepting of the roles I longed for: Wife and Mother. Now, as a wife to a very loving, wonderful and hard-working man and the mother of 3 beautiful daughters. I want to fill these roles while being the best version of myself possible.

Another aspect of life I'm not giving hope on is this blasted body of mine. Totally of my making and another sign of my struggles... I've been very overweight for years and years now. I eat when I'm bored, happy, depressed, loved, rejected... basically I want to eat all the time. Right now I think some of it has to do with not being completely "at ease" in my somewhat newer roles of mother and wife, but I'm not blaming it on that. I am ultimately in control of my body and what I put in... I'm not even going to blame it on our 3 daughters. It's definitely my fault!

My body and weight take up the majority of my thoughts every single day... and it has for years and years now. I don't remember EVER being comfortable with the way I look. Like, EEHHHVER! More and more I'm getting angry at myself for wasting so much of my life being consumed by it! I once heard Oprah being regretful for spending her 40's being ashamed and fat and depressed about it. Well, I don't want to spend my 30's that way! I can be so much more and do so much more! I want to be a good example for my girls, most of all!

Ok, so I'm getting a little more involved that I had meant to for this blog. Hope... I still haven't lost it. I still hope and pray to become the best version of myself that God had planned.... ugh, that sounds so far from where I am. Anyway, I still have HOPE! I have hopes of being a HEALTHY and beautiful me... I have hopes of being an AWESOME and caring Mommy... I have hopes that I will become the WIFE that my husband DESERVES!

The day I lose hope.... someone is going to need to lock me up and throw away the key!

Psalms 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.