Fat Friday

Happy Friday!

Why am I only posting Fat Fridays?!

Who cares? I'm sticking with it! Not giving up... persevering!
And... maybe because I have so many possible posts floating around in my head that it's hard to pin just one down! haha
OR maybe it's because I get caught up in awesome TRUE love stories like THIS ONE, that I don't have enough time to write my own!

Those sound like excuses, huh? Well, I'm calling them REASONS...

Anywho... Last week around this time I started coming down with a throat thing that KICKED my butt for a good 4 or 5 days! It was bad enough that I skipped Father's Day and Church to go down to the Comp Care Clinic (best visit there EVER... seriously, I was AMAZED - another story, another time)

So, now I'm thankful to God for allowing man to be smart enough to invent a little something called antibiotics and I'm back to persevering...

Simply put, it wasn't a great week, nutrition wise... the chocolate thing is hard to kick.

It's my crack.

New number system... I'm getting lost using "ground zero" because I REFUSE to write my actual weight down for fear someone will see it and post my embarassment somewhere on the world wide web so the world wide mean people can taunt and torture me, so now I'm going to just use the 1's and decimal to help me keep track. For instance, if I weight 140.8 (If only!) I would write 0.8.

So here we go.

Week 18917198 (I think I'm funny - that's all that matters!) - 3.4

(So, I could weigh 583.4 pounds, or 103.4, or 283.4... you'll just never know. And no, none of those are my current weight.)

Week 2 (this morning) 2.8

Down: a WHOPPING POINT (.) 6

I'm just thankful I didn't go up, to be perfectly honest! It's (yet another) start.

CONFESSIONS:

1. I already hinted as to my problems with chocolate... mini Reeses and Almond Joys may or may not have been the problem this week


2. I rekindled a flame for licorice... while not BAD BAD in moderation, in heaps and gobs it's BAD BAD!


3. I may or may not have enjoyed a new recipe for "fried squash". It was divine and mostly healthy... except for the whole oil concept...and I added some cheese. The girls ate it, so you know it had to be good...
   
   oopsy.

GOALS for this week:

• drink water (pretty much failed miserably last week... does coffe count?)


• No eating after 8pm (licorice tripped me up a couple nights)


• Lose 1 pound (*sigh* I thought this was totally do-able - still do!)


• Resist the birthday cake on Sunday. It'll be nasty and gross and disgusting, anyway. (Don't tell Auntie Kell I said that - it was purely for psychological reasons)

Fat Friday vol. 3

Here it is... FRIDAY! The last day of the work week - for most, anyway! I'm excited for the weekend even though I'm feeling an enlarged lymph node in my neck - sore throat and head cold symptoms - I'm definitely going to try and fight through it. (On second thought, maybe I'll pass the kiddos on to Daddy and hole up in my room all weekend! LoL J/K!!)

As I've posted in the last couple of depressing posts, I've been in a funk. I feel it may have something to do with the leveling off of hormones upon the removal of a certain IUD. That has not been confirmed, but I've lived in my body for most of my life and I'm really thinking that the IUD had and still is having a part in the roller coaster of things going on with my body.

So anyway, I have been struggling between - "is this my hormones or am I just a lazy blob?" ;o) It's probably a bit of both, but as I told my loving husband, "at least i'm still fighting through it... the day I lay down and give up is the day you should really be worried!" LoL!

So, I'm still here, fighting. I'm starting with Fat Friday!

I'm not even going to be embarassed that I'm starting BACK at ground zero.

And I'm even going to add a "confessions" segment, just because I want to be fully and thoroughly humiliated. haha j/k

So, I'm at ground zero... at least I'm not MORE than when I originally started.

My goals for the coming week:

drink water, no eating after 8 and 1 pound lost.

Sound small? For some, maybe. However, if you could have seen some of my habits over the past month or so, these changes are major.

Which is a nice segway into this:

Confessions

I *may or may not* have eaten my weight in chocolate.

I went an entire week without cooking dinner for the family.

I got the kids some donuts for breakfast and helped myself to a couple powdered ones.

I have been drinking *maybe* and I mean maybe drinking 2 glasses of water a day - if that!

I've contributed to eating out more than the budget allows.

Ok, I think that's all I can handle putting out there this week! haha

Wish me luck strength and willpower and knowledge!

Motto for the week:


"No More Excuses!"

Fat Friday

Now normally in my world, "fat" is just another F-word. Seriously... I would be just as stern on the girls if they used "fat" in a derrogatory way towards another person as if they used THE F-word. Yes, I'm super sensitive to the word seeing as how I've been... fat *cringe* for the better part of ... Oh... let's just the last 20-some years.

I'm not even going to get into the how's (eating, duh...) and why's. The reasons behind the eating are different for everyone. Most time there can be painful and traumatizing reasons... not for me, however. I had a charmed childhood so I'm not exactly sure *where* the emotional part of it began, but I do know that it started somewhere and somewhere along the way I've added more reasons to the pile. Didn't I just say I wasn't going to go into reasons? lol

So anyway, last Friday I started a journal to track my habits and last Friday was the last time I wrote in my journal.

*Classic* for this tired mom. Not at all out of the ordinary at all.

So I had started out just thinking I'd "watch" what I ate... kind of go the weight watchers route. I wouldn't really follow the plan... I'd just 'try and cut back on some things.

*insert haughty laughter here*

I learned that doesn't work for me. I've learned it time and time again that unless I am wholeheartedly following some type of guidelines then the overeating and self-loathing will just continue. So what am I doing now? I'm starting off with the induction phase of the Atkin's Diet. I was doing this in March... stayed on it for a good month with NO cheating... lost 5-7 pounds and then went off of it because my body wasn't responding to it like it did when I was 25. *sigh*

This is also *classic* me. "What? I'm not losing 85 pounds a month?! It must not be working something wrong with me!" - stop dieting and gain 10 to replace the good I just accomplished.

So, it's back to Atkins. For some reason, having the "forbidden foods" (fruit, sugars, carbs) works for me. I am able to say, "Oh, I can't eat that" is easier than being able to "oh, I shouldn't eat that."

Last weeks goals were...

*continue journaling (eh heh..)

*drink water (did so-so)

*go walking 3 times (p'shhhh)

*Lose 2 pounds by 5/1/09 - I lost 1.4! (probably because I started Atkins yesterday and drank my water!)

This weeks goals are:

*continue with Atkins - bringing in more lean protein: chicken, fish

*drink my water

*go walking at least ONCE

*lose another pound or two

*come back next Friday and blog about it

I've decided to make my goals a little more manageable this week (although they *were not* outlandish last week). Baby steps.

My starting weight will be called "ground zero" since I don't care to mention my actual weight. So, I've lost 1.4 pounds (!!!!!!!) from ground zero! I'll take it!

Hope.

I still have hope. It springs eternal. Throughout all the rough and seemingless impossible times in my life, I've always clung to it. And probably not just "hope" by itself. I have a tremendous amount of faith in God and in His word. While the topic of hope and faith and belief can get pretty serious and intense, I'm using it in terms of the small things in my life. Like... keeping a stronghold on my sanity... see, "small", right?

From a young age in my life, I can remember wondering and daydreaming about becoming and adult and being responsible for my own life. I'd think to myself how cool it would be to "be an adult" even though, looking back, I had NO CLUE what "being an adult" was. Even as I graduated high school and played "being an adult" with my first serious relationship, I know now that I was so young and sooooooooo naive!

I knew, from that young age, that I wanted to be married and stay at home with my kids - just like my mom. I even wrote my predictions for this "fated" relationship in a secret spot... I had recorded when our first kiss was in 1995 and he was "going to" propose in 1997... we were going to get married in 1998 and have our first baby in 2000. Only 1 of the 3 predictions came true.

I had our daughter in July of 2000, but there was no proposal and no wedding.

I'm sure I could, and probably will, write more about that situation later, but it definitely demonstrates my capacity of hope.

As the years have passed and I'm slowly beginning to settle in to my "adult skin", I'm trying to figure out so many things. One of them is how to be content and accepting of the roles I longed for: Wife and Mother. Now, as a wife to a very loving, wonderful and hard-working man and the mother of 3 beautiful daughters. I want to fill these roles while being the best version of myself possible.

Another aspect of life I'm not giving hope on is this blasted body of mine. Totally of my making and another sign of my struggles... I've been very overweight for years and years now. I eat when I'm bored, happy, depressed, loved, rejected... basically I want to eat all the time. Right now I think some of it has to do with not being completely "at ease" in my somewhat newer roles of mother and wife, but I'm not blaming it on that. I am ultimately in control of my body and what I put in... I'm not even going to blame it on our 3 daughters. It's definitely my fault!

My body and weight take up the majority of my thoughts every single day... and it has for years and years now. I don't remember EVER being comfortable with the way I look. Like, EEHHHVER! More and more I'm getting angry at myself for wasting so much of my life being consumed by it! I once heard Oprah being regretful for spending her 40's being ashamed and fat and depressed about it. Well, I don't want to spend my 30's that way! I can be so much more and do so much more! I want to be a good example for my girls, most of all!

Ok, so I'm getting a little more involved that I had meant to for this blog. Hope... I still haven't lost it. I still hope and pray to become the best version of myself that God had planned.... ugh, that sounds so far from where I am. Anyway, I still have HOPE! I have hopes of being a HEALTHY and beautiful me... I have hopes of being an AWESOME and caring Mommy... I have hopes that I will become the WIFE that my husband DESERVES!

The day I lose hope.... someone is going to need to lock me up and throw away the key!

Psalms 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.